Day Three- but not really this is just my own musing.
I am 26 years old about to be 27. I have a great fiancee, a wonderful wedding to look forward to and bar my mental health issues and my own personal body complex issues my health is actually fine. I am capable of anything….on paper. Yet, in my own head and words, I am incapable of this life. I have no “plan”.
My life has just happened. I don’t know how engaged I have been in it. I suppose you could say I have been in autopilot for the most of these 27years. I did what I thought everyone did. I went to college because that is what all my friends were doing and what my parents expected me to do. I don’t recall how much thought or planning I put in to my college choices I just did it and then I just dropped out and ran away.
College meant nothing to me because I had no real personal investment in it. I barely made class and when I did I had no real interest in what was happening around me. I was young. I was 17 and I was just focused on being a good daughter and not rocking the boat.
I moved abroad and just travelled and tried to escape. I was so lost. I would go as far as to say that when I left college and went abroad I was as lost as the night I tried to kill myself this christmas. The difference was that at 20 I had no ties so I could just up and runaway from my life. This time I had a million ties and thought I was ruining each and every single one of them by sticking around so I knew I couldn’t just run away I needed something more final. I decided to kill myself. I felt awful for the decision but I knew that my fiancee would be better in the long run if I wasn’t around ruining their life. I knew my family would be better not having to worry about me or fight with me. But also I knew i would be better because I wouldn’t be hurting anymore.
It is something I struggle to explain to anyone who has never struggled with mental health issues. I was physically in pain. My muscles were so sore. I was always exhausted. Getting up and playing the part of someone who had their whole life together was exhausting. Sometimes my heart would be beating so hard all day long with an anxiety attack I was keeping at bay that my chest muscles would tighten and physically cramp me. I would count the hours of work until I could run home and crawl into bed. Then in bed I would count the hours and minutes i had until I had to get back up and act like the happy girl my fiancee loved. I lied everyday just by getting out of bed.
Then the worst thing in the world happened. I failed to kill myself. I mean I failed by the way. There are days I wish I could go back three months and succeed. I wish I hadn’t gone through these last few months because it all still hurts. I got hospitalised and I have help now in understanding my thoughts and feelings. I am in meditation and therapy. I am working each day to be better. To get a grip on this life. Because this is my life. This beautiful suffering and all it’s lows are as much my life as the high points. So I am trying to keep going.
This is a rebeginning. This isn’t about vanity or weight loss or even body image. This is about rebeginning my life with all the ugly parts involved. I can’t forget them. I can’t pretend none of them happened. I have to embrace it and get stronger and survive. I want to survive it not beat it. I need to stop beating myself.