I was on a massive downer.
Coming out of hospital is rough. You want to just jump straight into living this new authentic you life. The first few days you are so nice to yourself and calm and then this niggling doubt creeps in and suddenly all the old feelings start to get to you and next thing you are back using all of the old coping mechanisms you were using before that really aren’t all that great for you.
That is obviously where i have been living the past two days and then I remembered something. I wasn’t in hospital to be cured. I can’t be cured. Depression is an illness like cancer or lupus or any other life altering disease. It can go into remission and you can have good times and live your life but only you can look after your health.
The medication needs a chance to build up in your system and sometimes when little lows appear you can totally freak out and think you are slipping all the way back down. But you aren’t because you are recognising the slip where before you would have lied and denied. You cannot rush recovery just because you are no longer in the confines of a hospital. Go out and have coffee with friends but don’t force it. Go enjoy a meal out but if you feel uncomfortable know that it is ok to leave. This is the lesson I am currently trying to teach myself.
I love sunflowers. They make me smile. I got a bouquet of them today and I suddenly felt myself smiling and it really did feel like i was getting a better insight into the last few days. I understood it and I am not mad at myself for being a bit of a moan or a brat. Self compassion should be practised by us all more frequently.
The diet is still raging on but I still am at a complete loss as to calorie counting. I got an UP3 to measure my heartbeat and count my steps. I want to be good and better but I won’t be giving out to myself for slipping any longer.
Peace and love xxx